I watch my fingers type and
wonder at the words upon
the page.  Are these the tongues my own voice knows, or language
mixed with genes from
father poet/mother sage?

January 5, 1952

The Carved Cow
44 1/2 St. George St.
St. Augustine, Florida

-first page lost-

Have worked out a pattern for Mary Suskind's belt and purse and it should be done in the near future. She must be a very wonderful child. Why not? Look at her mother!

I think I understand TenEyck even better than you even though you have had him and I have not. Remember, Jean, for a good many years lads of that age, with all their problems, were my business and a business in which I effected considerable success. I know how lonely the lad is, I know the emotional turmoil he has had to ride thru. That he has done it is a magnificent credit to his character. I don't blame him a damned bit for having no faith in me. I shall have to rebuild that faith again quietly and slowly, and, as you say, by definite action and not words. Yes, I suppose that is what few contacts I have had with Tiger Two I have ever emphasized his responsibilities to you. I wasn't fair to him but you must realize that my primary motivation was my absolute and eternal love for you. I do love you, Jean.

Doggone it! You were always a perfect example to me of that phrase of G.K. Chesterson's "...A Lady in public and a bitch in bed..." And that, my Dear, is a compliment.

I am so glad that you have decided to become a Woman again instead of a false male economist. The graciousness and the sweetness of you was wasted for a long, long time. I only hope that I am capable of being a Man again instead of a rather disreputable character.

Don't know what to say about Mary Suskind. I desire her near me as any man desires his children but I know nothing whatever about little girl children and am not sure I would know how to act or react. TE I understand fully. Mary S. I do not understand at all. If she has your sensitivity she would probably help me.

Have gotten myself late some weird situations since you left me. Seems you're the governor on my motor. Wish to Hades I had your calm advice to guide me.

Things are tough here, we actually had to have a fire for an hour the other day to take the chill off and it wasn't until Sunday we could go into the surf at the beach!

No, Woofels, I haven't written nor do I think I shall ever write again. I've lost the touch and the desire. I don't give a damn if posterity ever hears of me. I destroyed all my MSS several years ago. The future, rough as it may be, can do without me. My dreams, my emotions have all gone for nothing so why try again. So -- I'm a quitter. So I've quit!

Under the current situation I am not eligible for the rites of the Church but, for the last year, I have not failed in one day to pray for me and mine.

I have been wrong in so many things. It's hard to live with at night.

TenEyck gave his offertory last Xmas (a year past) to his father. I have not failed in my daily duty since. It meant much to me.

You'd get a kick out of this place. I'm sitting in a little hole in the wall trying to sell belts. It's a helluva pastime for me because I'm probably the worst salesman that ever happened and I find them wandering down the street with a belt that cost me more than I sold it for! Well, at least I had the pleasure of making it.

My letters to you? Darlin' TRUE CONFESSIONS is not a good outlet! Nothing will happen financially this month. As a matter of fact I'll be lucky if I live thru this month. But I shall try to do something next payday and as soon as I can get organized I shall get in a regular payment you can count upon.

What in Hell are you doing in Chicago?

Love you


Bradley Van Deusen

January 29, 1951
August 19, 1951
Date unknown 1951
December 19, 1951
December 27, 1951
January 5, 1952
August 2, 1952

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