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December 19, 1951The Carved Cow 44 1/2 St. George St. St. Augustine, Florida My Darlin' This is a love letter, a short one but still a love letter. If you don't want to read love letters from an embittered old soldier you can tear this up now.
She had laughter that was exciting, she had a mouth that was twisted into sheer beauty,she had a skin of silk and satin and memories. She had everything that any man with appreciation of beauty would desire. And I desired her. But I was a wild eyed young military idiot that didn't appreciate what I almost had.
We had a son then. A beautiful little brat who thought the world
rose and fell in his
"Daddy Tiger".
She stayed a beautiful woman with ready laughter, brilliance and kindliness. The original passion remained with me. The touch of her, the nearness of her was an eternal flare in my emotions and heart. We had another child, an adorable little girl with her mother's heart shaped face. We carried her around in a blue canvas case to show her off. The "sniping" got very tough. Hall bedrooms, cheap apartments and I was always and forever tired and tied up with my trade.
She was still the most beautiful woman in the world but she had lost all faith in her husband. Then the real Hell started. She abandoned me. I became an escapist. I found that by staying more or less drunk I could forget how beautiful my Lady was and her sweetness and her love for me. I forgot everything and wandered all over the face of the land trying to find some peace of mind. I didn't care for clothing or decency or niceness, all I wanted was to get drunk enough to go to sleep without remembering this Lady. My sickness became too much for me. I was an ill man, a sick man and a defeated man. I lived twenty four hours a day with the scented dream of her in my heart and mind without the ability to try to correct it. I made two good tries. Once my illness caught up with me at the wrong time and once I got so nervous over the possibility of a reconciliation that I blew that up trying to keep myself quiet.
I do not know if I can ever regain her and my children. I do not
know if I have the
physical and emotional ability to make myself again a father the
children can be proud of
or a man my woman wants. I only know that I will try. "He seen
his duty, he done his
damndest, Angels can do no more."
I love you, Jean. Tiger #1 |
Father
LETTERS
Copyright © 1996, Mary S. Van Deusen