I watch my fingers type and
wonder at the words upon
the page.  Are these the tongues my own voice knows, or language
mixed with genes from
father poet/mother sage?

Date Unknown - 1951

The Carved Cow
44 1/2 St. George St.
St. Augustine, Florida


I probably won't do any better today than I did last night.

I'll try however.

You have the preponderance of right on your side. I do not question that. I feel that I have some things on my side.

From the time you left me I blew completely to Hell. The things I did you knew I'd do when I was without your controlling influence.

I was not retired from the Service primarily for diabetes. I was retired because I was of no further use to the Service. Your letters to the hospital (which I resented) didn't tell the story. I have always in these latter years been protected by that fine old business of "...he's an old soldier, cover him..."

There is a certain amount of brilliance but damned little basic intelligence. The things I do I don't want to do. I only find it impossible to do any other way.

If you'll try to go along with me again there is a definite two hundred and twenty a month. You handle it. I don't think you're too good at it but you are much better than myself. You want surety and secureness? There it is. What I need beyond the basic needs of food, lodging and tobacco I'll manage on the other hand. I'm sick -- you've got to remember that I'm sick but as long as I'm above it will come in. I wish you'd have used your head enough to know that when I wanted the number of my insurance policy it wasn't for me. Damn it! You resent too much without thinking. I need it to cover TenEyck's future education.

I'm sorry Dear, I have too many memories and all of them beautiful. I remember the touch and the feel of you. I remember the passion you had for cokes and mysteries and the look of you coming down the street to meet me. I remember so much. I wish to God I could forget it. You are the only woman I have ever loved -- there have been others, yes, but you are the only one who has been of any importance to me.

God Almighty Jean! Can't you find any kindliness in your heart for me? I need you. We had twelve years together. I'm a sick broken man and I need help. Your help. The economics can take care of if we're together - I've drawn them from service. You handle them. Hells Bells, Child! There is what you are talking about. Oh Dearest, let's have our home and our books and our quietness and the laughter over small things. Let's go back and do all that we had planned.

Love me again, Jean, before I give up all that has been.


Bradley Van Deusen

January 29, 1951
August 19, 1951
Date unknown 1951
December 19, 1951
December 27, 1951
January 5, 1952
August 2, 1952

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